My Story on Episode 7, Season 13 of Alone on The History Channel

Well... I did it. I've shared this story before, and I am not afraid nor ashamed to tell it. I've told it in written form, on podcasts, and on stage; but now I have revealed it to the largest stage in the world, and I am not talking about national television or social media. I am talking about the remote wilderness at 68° latitude, 40 miles south of the Beaufort Sea of the Arctic Ocean, all alone and on the anniversary of the day it happened 21 years prior. It was on my shoreline, visiting my friend, "Mama Mountain," where I willfully pressed the record button.

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Anniversary dates always hit hard for me. Some people are not phased by them, but I am. Afterall, I got emotional on launch day as that was the 5 year anniversary of my mother's passing. I just remember thinking, "God, I wish my mother could see me now."

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The anniversary of my assault hits me every year. And its not just the date itself. Its the shift in winds and the smell of leaves about to fall that are a reminder of a time where everything I thought I knew about the world changed.

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I was 19 when my innocence was rifled. I lived in a just-world fallacy where bad things only happen to bad people, but at an age where one is still very much a kid, I had to learn the hard way that this is far from the truth. It was a Wednesday. I was walking home one evening from a friend's house and was kidnapped, blindfolded, strangled, beaten, ridiculed, robbed, and raped at gunpoint. I will spare further details and how I was able to deescalate the situation to not be taken to a second location. I found out later I was not the only girl and they were serial attackers. The perpetrators were eventually found years later, and are since released from prison. The story on how the judicial system does not favor victims is for another day.

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For over a decade, I led a reckless life feeling like a trash bag. I would have given anything to buy new skin. I tried searching for a life raft to keep me afloat in a sea that turned a blind eye to people like me. It wasn't until I leaned into nature that I found a path forward and that my longing for belonging was fed. Often people reach for things to mask their dis-ease, but its when we release our tears where we are met with its counterpart. The wilderness can hold your pain. When you can replace your own sorrow with your own sympathy, this is where resilience is born. Trauma is not one of those things that can be dealt with by a deadline and PTSD will never be cured. But you can navigate it. You can drive the car, while it sits in the backseat. Sometimes recovery comes late for people when we are conditioned to bury our burdens, but when it is finally looked at, we are usually right on time.

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It's when you sit alone with yourself, stripped of everything familiar, and can tell the story of who you are, what happened to you, and continue to give yourself compassion, that you are on the biggest stage; but it's an audience of one, the person you could have been, where this story matters the most.

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I will always mourn for the girl that was "sentenced to life" because she never got the chance to have a normal one. I will always mourn for a world where women shouldn't have to worry about rape because men are taught not to. I will always mourn for a society where these stories are difficult to hear, aren't believed, and it's authors are blamed. I will always mourn for a world, where women are not silenced.

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It was not my choice to have this story told. I simply pressed the record button and the rest was up to the producers, and I thank them for telling it. I think this story is a reminder as to what the show is really about. Sure its a show that displays survival skills (and if thats all you care about then press the mute button) but it's really about the human condition. Its about what is underneath it all and who these contestants really are. In order to understand who they are, we must understand what happened to them.

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For those of you who were touched by this story, thank you for listening and opening your heart. For the women who have faced assault, know that you are not alone, and I am always here for you.

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To learn more about resilience through self-reliance please check out wildcardwilderness.com and please read the article in Bushcraft Magazine, entitled "The Role of Bushcraft in Trauma Recovery"

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Love, Jacks

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#HopeExists #TraumaRecovery